


Teabagging for Beginners

by NumberThirteen



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Advice For Writers, British Customs, Gen, Tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-06 19:46:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1870092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NumberThirteen/pseuds/NumberThirteen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tea - without this drink the British would not be able to maintain a stiff upper lip, so here are the men of 221B to explain how to make tea, tea making etiquette and why you should not use cream in tea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A casual mug of tea at home

Right, yes, I'm doing this aren't I? Hello, I'm Dr. John Watson, but just call me John. I'm here to guide you through the intricacies of making a decent mug of tea. I know I'm a fictional character, but really, I need a good strong brew as much as the next person - especially when dealing with Sherlock. But anyway, come through to the kitchen... Oh yes, just step over that. I'm pretty sure it's dead and not contaminated...

So tea making, first thing is to fill the kettle. It's an electric kettle, so doesn't need to go on the hob. I think about ninety-nine point nine percent of the British population have been using electric kettles since the seventies. It won't whistle, it clicks off automatically. Since it's just you and me here, I'll just get a couple of mugs out. Oh, it's cups and saucers if we're being posh or bloody Sherlock is entertaining bloody psychopaths for afternoon tea again. But like this, mugs'll do. Just make sure they're clean and eyeball free first. I realise that for most people the eyeballs won't be an issue though.

So now, I just drop a teabag in each mug - I like Yorkshire Tea for Hard Water teabags, but PG Tips or Typhoo will do just as well. I got used to strong, over-brewed and stewed tea in the army. Tea keeps the British army going. I honestly think that if we couldn't have tea in the army, we'd have lost both world wars, and been knocked out of the world conker championships. Teabags are normally sold in boxes of forty, eighty or one hundred and sixty.

The basic ratio is one teabag to one mug and they are single use only. So now we wait for the kettle to boil, and it's just clicked off. Pour the water into the mugs immediately - it has to be boiling hot otherwise the tea will be weak and, well, a waste of a tea bag. Which is a bit not good. Using a teaspoon - grabbed clean from the cutlery drawer and definitely not used to stir green bubbling mad scientist experiments - give your teabag a good prodding and stir for about thirty seconds to a minute, depending on how strong you want your tea to be. If you are busy doing other things, you can leave your teabag in the mug for about two minutes to brew and just come back to it. I tend not to leave drinks unattended near Sherlock. Not since Baskerville anyway... The git. And if you take sugar, now is a good time to add a teaspoon or two to the mug. Just make sure it is actually sugar.

Squeeze the teabag against the inside of the mug to get all the flavour and liquid out before dropping it into either the rubbish bin or the it's-going-to-be-composted-by-the-council-vegetable-waste-recycle-bin, and get your milk - never cream or creamer (whatever that is) from the fridge and add a small splodge to your tea. So I'll just get the milk from the...

SHERLOCK!!!!! YOU ARSE!!!! WE HAD A FULL PINT OF MILK NOT THIRTY MINUTES AGO!!!!


	2. Impressing psychopaths and other important visitors

I am Sherlock Holmes, and it's only natural that you'd seek my advice on how to make tea in a civilised situation. Normally I couldn't care less about appealing to anyone's sensibilities, but even I recognise that there are times when tea should be presented in a civilised fashion and not in novelty mugs. Entertaining your arch-nemesis for example is one of those times.

The very first thing to do is ensure that you have a decent fine china tea service consisting of a teapot, six cups, six saucers, a milk jug, a sugar bowl, a tea-strainer, six silver teaspoons, and silver sugar tongs if you are using sugar lumps instead of granulated sugar. If you do not have a decent tea service, either steal your interfering brother's credit card and go to Harrod's to buy the most expensive set there, or borrow your housekeeper's vintage Royal Doulton service. She'll never know. If you have Mycroft's card, you may want to add a matching coffee pot and cream jug to your purchases.

The next thing to do is to get some loose tea. Just text your flatmate and ask him to bring some in with him. I like Assam tea, but will drink Earl Grey or Darjeeling. Green tea and other herbal infusions are not proper teas, so I will ignore them. You should do the same. Once your flatmate has got home with the tea, you can then start preparing the tea. So you can follow me, I have prepared a step by step guide for the hard of thinking.

1\. Make sure there is water in the kettle.  
2\. Switch the kettle on.  
3\. While the kettle is on, put loose tea in the teapot. The rule is one heaped teaspoon of tea for every person there, plus one for the pot. It is not known what the pot thinks of this.  
4\. Put milk in the milk jug.  
5\. As soon as the kettle has boiled, pour the boiled water into the teapot.  
6\. Let it steep for at least two minutes, preferably three minutes.  
7\. While it's steeping, find out if your arch-nemesis/guest/pain of a sibling wants their milk poured in their cup before or after the tea. Traditionally, it was milk first as teacups were made from porcelain that could shatter if a too-hot liquid was poured straight in. Now teacups have a higher tensile strength so this is no longer an issue. I did write a short essay about the relative strength of different crockery brands for the Science of Deduction.  
8\. Pour the tea into the cup through the tea strainer otherwise you get bits of loose tea in your cup and it's very unpleasant.  
9\. Once the tea, milk and any sugar are in the cup in the desired ratios, drink. Then leave. 

But before you go, if you ever find yourself in the unpleasant situation of having tea with Mycroft, do refer to it as a "nice cuppa". The sheer level of common chavness will make him very, very uncomfortable. And ask him about cream cakes too.


	3. Being mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue.

Please take a seat... Really? No why would I telephone you when I have perfectly competent agents to bring you to me? Anyway, I am very interested in you and why you have come to the attention of Mr Sherlock Holmes and his associate, Dr John Watson. You have been observed on at least two occasions visiting 221b Baker Street, spending at least an hour there each time.

Ah, you may call me an interested party, but please do tell me why you have been spending so much time at 221b Baker Street...

Really? It is not often I am surprised, but I am surprised by you. Anyway, shall I be Mother?

What?! No you can't have my credit card!

**Author's Note:**

> I love a good piece of fanfic, and it is amazing at how well-loved Sherlock is globally, but please, in no universe would any Brit drop a teabag into hot water or travel back in time to use a tea-kettle. Ok, in the Doctor Who/Sherlock universe, maybe.
> 
> If it isn't amazingly obvious to you, I am not Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Steven Moffat or Mark Gatiss. That means I do not own any of the characters in the Sherlock Holmes or Sherlock canon, no matter how much I might wish I did. I'm just playing with them for fun and will dust them down and put them back when I'm finished. Honest.


End file.
